Either ad agencies are poring through Ray Bradbury for inspiration or retired astrophysicists have been doing pro bono consulting in Madison Avenue.

With terms like Poly-Collagen Pepticles, Bio-Activators and Hyaluronic Spheres, beauty products are beginning to sound like ingredients in the latest edition of "The Anarchist's Cookbook." But since the majority are FDA-approved, we have to assume these cosmetic companies are merely harboring delusions of grandeur, not weapons of mass destruction. Below are the most asinine, broken down by brand, product, description and a layperson's comment.

ESTEE LAUDER

Idealist: Pore Minimizer

"Penetrates deep within surface layers to deliver our most dramatic skin resurfacing benefits ever." This product is tested on potholes, not animals.

Double Wear: Zero-Smudge Lengthening Mascara

"Engineered with breakthrough Smudge-Shield Technology to resist high temperatures and high humidity." You can also smear it on your windshield when you run out of wiper fluid.

Advanced Night Repair: Protective Recovery Complex

"Neutralizes up to 90% of environmentally generated free radicals before they can damage your skin." Loose translation: kills hippies.

Perfectionist [CP+]: With Poly-Collagen Pepticles Correcting Serum

"Significantly reduces the look of lines and wrinkles." The [CP+] is what really sets these pepticles apart.

LOREALColoeur Experte Express: Two-In-One Multi-Tonal Color System

Sacre bleu! We had meant to send this version to the Parisian headquarters.

Collagen Remodeller: SPF15 Lotion Collagen Bio-Activator

"The first daily contouring moisturizer powered with a natural alfafa extract shown to biologically stimulate skin's natural collagen production." Comes with kettle chips and ½ chicken salad sandwich.

Skin Genesis Eye Serum: Multi-Layer Cell Strengthening Daily Treatment

"With Pro-Xylane and Hyaluronic spheres, this powerful complex works layer by layer to strengthen the delicate skin around your eyes." Serum will be unstoppable once we add the third sphere, Xanadu.

Infallible 6-Hour Lip Gloss

"Shine Fix applicator so easy to use, you get a smooth even finish every time." As opposed to most applicators, which are inaccurate and uneven.

NEUTROGENA

Healthy Volume Mascara

"Clinically proven to make lashes 400% fuller with a touch of olive oil." Resist the urge to dip them into a dry martini.

Wave Power Cleanser

"Gentle vibrations help clean 10x deeper to remove dirt, oil, and makeup than traditional cleansing." Also a sanitary substitute for a vibrator.

FERIA

Multi-Faceted Shimmering Color 3X Highlights

"New pro-shimmer colour technology, Drip-Defying colour gel for Absolute Control, Prismatic Pigments, multi-faceted highlights, and Shimmer-Boosting conditioning." Primary acting agents are hyphens, adjectives, alliteration and Random Capitalization.

VIVE PRO

Vive Pro: Glossy Volume

"Injects fine, flat hair with Weightless Plumping Complex for touchable fullness and voluminous texture." Your mom's a weightless plumping complex.

ORGANIC WEAR

ECOCERT: The First 100% Natural Origin

"100% free of harsh chemicals, synthetic preservatives and paraben, contains EcoBlend featuring OrganiSoy and Eco-Oliv. Eco-Conscious packaging." In an independent scientific study, advertisers discovered that harsh parabens and free radicals both became docile once separated and fed a steady diet of Soy & Oliv.

CLARINS

Hydra Quench Multi-Climate Moisturizers

"The moisturizing virtues of Katafray: the bark stimulates the skin's natural hydration mechanisms, preserves its moisture reserves and reinforces barrier function to keep it perfectly balanced and completely hydrated." The moisture virtue and climate control of this African face quencher is second only to sticking your head as far up your ass as we did.

OLAY

Body Wash Plus Spa Exfoliating Ribbons

"Wraps an actual ribbon with seaweed extract and microbeads around your body to gently exfoliate." Like an aromatic tapeworm.

AVEENO

Positively Ageless Rejuvenating Serum

"Advanced Shiitake Complex that captures the naturally active benefits of shiitake mushrooms." Our unscientific term for this is "Cream of Mushroom."

BORGHESE

Borghese Nail Lacquer

"Micronized gemstones add brilliance. Exclusive Acqua di Vita Complex restores essential moisture balance. Duale Curve Tip Brush hugs nail curve for a precision line." The gemstone's so micronized, you gotta wear shades.

DOC WILSON

WreckingBalm Tattoo Fade System

"Combination treatment with state-of-the-art, vintage technology, along with an FDA-approved in-home tattoo removal devise." Because nothing says "state of the art" like vintage! Oh, wait—we accidentally looked at the antonym section of Thesaurus.com.

SMASHBOX

Hybrid 2 in 1 Luminizing Primer: Photo Finish & Artificial Light

"Eco-friendly, biodegradable and recyclable. With every purchase, a Moringa tree will be planted in a developing country." Then die slowly under the artificial light.

PERRICONE MD COSMECEUTICALS

Ceramic Eye Smoother

"Anti-aging treatment that brightens and firms the look of eyes instantly." Pottery for the face! Don't forget to score your eyelids before exposing them to UV rays.

ZENO

"Handheld, rechargeable device that revolutionizes the fight against pimples. Dermatologist recommended and FDA-cleared. Precisely controlled, low-level heat that kills acne bacteria." Safer than a Zippo.

GARNIER

Fortifying Shampoo: Reinforced Active Fruit Concentrate Vitamins B3 + B6, Fructose + Glucose

Diabetics should check their sugar levels before use.

ALTERNA

The Science of Skin Care for Hair TMColor Hold Caviar Anti-Aging Seasilk Moisture Shampoo

"Sulfate Free, UVA/UVB Protection, Age-Control Complex, Enzymetherapy."
Correction: your skin is only the second-to-final frontier, as indicated by our trademark and 7 adjectives to 1 noun ratio.

ABREVA

Abreva

"Fast cold sore healing now at your fingertips."
This is an actual medical treatment for herpes, yet the whole one-page advertisement only contains 39 words—none of them made up.