In honor of Independence Day, we decided to pay homage both to U.S. history and the American education system by interviewing friends and strangers on what they believed to be the cause of major wars with U.S. involvement in the past 200 years. The answers were peppered with a lot of swears, and some were so embarrassing that we listed the respondents by their middle name.

CHRISTINE, age 22 –

Civil War: ...um. Wasn't that between the North and South? Or something?

American Revolution: Ah! Oh, wait—I'm thinking of the Industrial Revolution. Wasn't that about trying to get everyone to speak English?

World War I: Are you fucking kidding me? Japan...worlds...countries fighting...I mean, what was the year on that?

World War II: Well obviously if I don't know what World War I was, I'm not going to know this. Wait—Vietnam! But I think that was a separate war.

Vietnam War: Oh shit.

Cold War: I don't even think I've heard of that. Was it, like, hunger issues? The Depression?

Bay of Pigs: Not the Boston Tea Party?

Gulf War: There's more wars? Seriously? It must have been near the Gulf of Mexico, so it was probably between Mexico and the Bahamas. Bahamas and Mexico. Final answer.

War in Iraq: I really don't know what that's all about.

BAILEE, 24 –

Civil War: It was, um, North versus South. Slavery.

American Revolution: Was whenever America tried to get free from Britain…maybe?

World War I: World War I…shit. Were we even involved in World War I?

World War II: I got this one! I think. That was when everybody hated Germany. And the Holocaust. And, uh, something happened in the Philippines. Not sure what.

Vietnam War: Vietnam. Damn, I feel like an idiot.

Cold War: That was with Cuba. Or Russia. One of those.

Bay of Pigs: I think that was, uh, around the time of World War I.

Gulf War: *exhales*

War in Iraq: Ugh. It’s because people over there were suppressed by the government, and the U.S. stuck its nose in it.

JEAN, 47 & LOUIS, 51 –

Civil War
Jean: Freeing the Slaves.

American Revolution
Jean: Independence of the U.S.

World War I
Jean: It started with the assassination of a Romanian czar...I don't remember.
Louis: I think Japan might have done some shit. It precluded the commies.

World War II
Jean: Hitler.
Louis: It precluded the commies.

Cold War
Jean & Louis: Commies.

Vietnam War
Louis: Commie pinkos.

Bay of Pigs
Louis: Commies.
Jean: It was.

Gulf War
Jean: Terrorists.
Louis: Saddam Hussein was starting his shit.

War in Iraq
Louis: *obscenity-riddled rant*

RYAN, 31 (Answer Key) –

Civil War: Slavery.

American Revolution: Taxation without representation. But that’s simplifying it.

World War I: Musselini and all that good stuff.

World War II: Ethnic domination.

Vietnam War: Purported spread of democratization.

Cold War: Democracy vs. Communism. Weapons of mass destruction build-up on both sides.

Bay of Pigs: The stand-off between JFK and the Soviet Union.

Gulf War: U.S. prevention of Iraq invading Kuwait. Not entirely accurate, but close enough.

War in Iraq: Extension of the war on terrorism. Allegedly.