In This Issue
On New Year's Eve of 1959—while everyone else was preoccupied with cheap champagne and obligatory kisses—the world was given a truly special gift/curse: Val Edward Kilmer, an infant that would grow up to become a secret agent, genius, fighter pilot, bat, rock star, God, porn star, saint, and, most importantly, the friend of a midget.
In his 25 years in cinema, Val's films have run the gamut from “eh, I guess that was okay” to “wow, he's brilliant” to “ew, I think I just threw up a little.” Having seen 99 percent of his films and being the smartest person I know when I am drinking, I have chosen myself as an expert witness in compiling a chronological “Val Kilmer Filmography in a Nutshell.”
TOP SECRET (1984)
Plot Synopsis:
This beauty, brought to you by the same genius team of “Airplane!”, Top Secret stars a fledgling Val as Nick Rivers, an early ‘50s rock star anachronistically placed in a WWII spy movie spoof. There are more good lines in here than a 1970 swingers bar and so many sight jokes that even if only one in 10 are amusing, you'll be laughing nonstop. It treads the fine line between complete absurdity and shoot-milk-out-your-nose funny.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Nick Rivers: “Listen to me Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.”
Hillary Flammond: “I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.”
[Long pause. Both look at camera]
Why You Should See This Movie: The guys in the cow-suit scene.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because if you are still reading my article, odds are you would not be smart enough to catch even a fraction of the jokes.
REAL GENIUS (1985)
Plot Synopsis:
In this rare gem of his career, Val plays Chris Knight, a smartass, fun at all costs college boy at a school which is a tongue-in-cheek parody of CalTech. Even amongst these geniuses, Chris stands so out and alone that even the movie's quintessential douche bag of an antagonist, Dr. Jerome Hathaway, admits that compared to Chris, most people have the I.Q. of a carrot. When Chris finds out the Professor is using him to build a weapon for Uncle Sam, Chris, and the geek squad takes matters into their own hands, Orville Redenbacher style.
Val's Best Dialogue
Chris Knight: We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks, and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry, but it's not like me—I'm depressed. There was, what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Why You Should See This Movie: This was THE stepping stone for Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” Right—like you've ever changed the radio station while it's on.*Editor's Addition: When the gang (“God”) interrogates and reprimands Kent. “And quit playing with yourself.”
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Unless you have some twisted aversion to popcorn, you have zero excuse to not. It's a moral imperative.
TOP GUN (1986)
Plot Synopsis:
As a 10-year veteran of the U.S. Navy, and, more specifically, Naval Aviation, I hold in my heart an entirely new level of contempt for “Top Gun.” You'd think this movie would have been the reason I enlisted to begin with, but it was actually “Stripes.” In this completely inaccurate military travesty, our pal Val plays Lieutenant “Iceman” Kazansky. Ice is a narcissistic, no-nonsense, hot-shot pilot in fierce competition with Tom “Maverick-Turned-Scientologist-Nut-Job” Cruise. This movie did to Naval Aviation what Lorena Bobbit did to penises. It did, however, launch Val into sex-god status because of one overtly gay and entirely unnecessary topless sand volleyball game. In the words of Kenny Loggins, this movie made me want to “ride in to the danger zone” and stay.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Iceman: You two really are cowboys.
Maverick: What's your problem, Kazanski?
Iceman: You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
Maverick: That's right! Ice...man. I am dangerous.
Why You Should See This Movie: Besides all the military inaccuracies, there truly are some good dog fighting and aerial combat scenes. Oh, and Goose dies.*Editor's Addition: Watching a pre-psycho Tom Cruise tongue-kiss Kelly McGillis against a blue backdrop. *Authors rebuttal: Puke.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because when you see the scene of all the officers in a bar breaking into song with “You've Lost That Loving Feeling,” you will first want to slit your wrists and then you'll have the song stuck in your head. In my 10 years of service, the only thing my friends and I usually broke into was a fight with a bunch of Marines who couldn't hold their liquor.
WILLOW (1988)
Plot Synopsis:
This fantasy film, directed by Opie Cunningham, er, Ron Howard, stars Kilmer as an untrustworthy thief / self-described master swordsman, who must help and protect the midget Willow tote around a full-sized baby he discovered in the river. Between Val Kilmer's mullet and Little People Big World midgets running about, the only thing missing was the clown Pennywise from “It” to take the heeby-jeeby factor to its full potential.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Madmartigan: Did I really... Did I really say those things, last night, in your tent?
Sorsha: You said you loved me.
Madmartigan: I don't remember that.
Sorsha: You lied to me.
Madmartigan: No, I... I just wasn't myself last night.
Sorsha: I suppose my power enchanted you and you were helpless against it.
Madmartigan: Sort of.
Sorsha: Then what?
Madmartigan: It... went away.
Sorsha: Went away? “I dwell in darkness without you” and it *went away*?
Why You Should See This Movie: I'm not really that into the whole D&D-type movie scene—dragons, trolls, midgets—but this wasn't half bad. It even made me feel kind of guilty for beating those D&D kids up back in school.
*Editor's Addition: This author is half bad. Val's scene and quote of the decade is when he's mocking Willow from his cage “there's a peck standing there with an acorn pointed at me!” *Author's rebuttal: Geek.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because the ecstatic grin on Val's face during the sled ride with Willow will be etched in your mind for eternity. No one should enjoy sleigh rides with midgets. EVER.
THE DOORS (1991)
Plot Synopsis:
There are two Kilmer movies where I will give his character props, and this is one of them. Kilmer is brilliant from the word “go.” He plays Morrison from his days at UCLA all the way to his bloated alcoholic demise in 1971. Val's portrayal of Jimbo is spot on, not to mention he does all of his own singing the entire movie. As a huge Doors fan, I was a little leery about whether he would actually be able to pull it off, so I skipped school with a few friends the day it came out, dropped some blotter, and went and saw the matinee. Twice. Back to back. I then proceeded to chain smoke two packs of cigarettes and tell my life story and troubles to a dead bird in the parking lot.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Pamela: You actually put your d--- in this woman?
Jim Morrison: Well... sometimes, yeah.
Why You Should See This Movie: Meg Ryan topless.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Meg Ryan topless.
TOMBSTONE (1993)
Plot Synopsis:
This would be the second movie where, as much as it pains me, I have to give Val kudos for his portrayal of Doc Holliday. Having done extensive research on Doc, I was livid when I found out Kilmer would be playing him, but, always being the second to admit when I'm wrong, I admit Val nailed the character. But alas—this was the beginning of the end for Val, because the next 15 years were about to become a skid mark on the tightie-whities of an otherwise shining career.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Billy Clanton: Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
[Billy Clanton draws a knife]
Doc Holliday: [takes out a second gun] I have two guns, one for each of ya.
Why You Should See This Movie: Because watching an as yet undiscovered Billy Bob Thornton who at the time weighs 300+ pounds get pimp slapped not once, but twice, is worth the rental fee.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because it's got Jason “Brandon Walsh” Priestly in it. There are some unforgivable sins in Tinsel town; this is one of them. What's next— Brenda as Annie Oakley?
THE SAINT (1999)
Plot Synopsis:
This movie was destined for cinematic purgatory before it even left the embryonic stages of a screenplay. The producers were, however, smart enough to compensate for lack of storyline and Val's failing acting abilities by using the greatest cinematic weapon known to man: Elizabeth Shue, a truly succulent little plum who has consistently been one of my “Top Five” since “Adventures in Babysitting,” but I digress. Kilmer plays Simon Templar, an international thief for hire and master of disguise who uses aliases of Catholic saints for every unique identity. He is hired by the Russian mob to steal a cold fusion formula from Shue. Predictably, he falls in love with her and blahblahblahZZzzzzzzzzzzz……
Val's Best Dialogue:
Emma Russell: Who are you?
Simon Templar: Nobody has a clue. Least of all me. (Actually Val, no one really cares anymore.)
Why You Should See This Movie: Elizabeth Shue. Period.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because when they do show Shue's cold fusion machine in work at the end of the film, it is pretty much just a mock up of the old board game Mousetrap. You crank the wheel, the rubber band hits the boot that kicks the ball that rolls and knocks another ball out of a bathtub-on-a-stick which drops onto a seesaw that launches a guy, which activates the mousetrap and BAM! Cold fusion.
AT FIRST SIGHT (1999)
Plot Synopsis: This may be the hardest thing I've ever had to write, so please bear with me. I could just say that if you saw the Deniro/Williams flick “Awakenings,” you've pretty much seen “At First Sight” since it's basically a redux. Val plays Virgil, a blind masseuse, who meets Mira Sorvino while giving her a rub down (sans “happy ending”) at an upscale spa. Being a nosy control freak, she eventually bugs Val enough to try a new surgery to allow him to see again. Long story short: seeing and comprehending what you see are two entirely different animals. The tagline for this film was “Only Love Can Bring You to Your Senses.” Sorry, but we all know the only thing that can bring a man to his senses is his best friends berating him while passing around a bottle of expensive bourbon.
Val's Best Dialogue:
Virgil: I saw the horizon. It's out there. And though I may not ever be able to touch it, it's worth reaching for. (Okay, excuse me for a minute. You know when you try to hold puke in by covering your mouth, and it explodes through both nostrils? You get the picture. Be right back.)
Why You Should See This Movie: As poorly as it was written, produced and directed, the concept is remotely interesting. Imagine being deprived of a sense for so long—if it suddenly came back, could you handle it?
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because if you pretend you're blind, you can't see anything.
KNIGHT RIDER (2008)
Before delving into Val's career going from a “who's who in Hollywood” to a “who in the hell are you talking about?” let me first piece together what I feel happened leading up to Val landing the role as the voice of the new K.I.T.T. 3000.
[Phone rings—a fat, greasy, chain-smoker with about eight teeth answers]
Eddie: Sunset Strip Budget Extended Stay Motel and Truck stop, this is Eddie.
Voice: Yes, Mister Kilmer's Room Please.
Eddie, to Val as he is mopping the lobby floor: KILMER! Telephone.
Val: This is Val.
Voice: Yes, Val, this is NBC. We had a last-minute cancellation and need someone to be the voice of the car for the new Knight rider. We can't really pay you, but we'll put you in the credits and give you a really cool T-shirt, and you get to meet the king himself…The HOFF!
Val: SOLD!
And the rest is history.
Plot Synopsis:
This made for TV movie which supposedly was destined to become a weekly show has Val as the voice of the K.I.T.T. 3000. The only difference is this time he's a Mustang vs. a Trans-Am, and the plot is derivative of every Knight Rider episode imaginable. This is a pretty astounding feat, considering the show lasted a collective 15 minutes out of the two hours it was allotted—the other 105 minutes was dedicated to Ford commercials. Based on ratings and crushing fan disappointment, it was cancelled within the week. So goeth the not slow death of a pilot show. R.I.P. K.I.T.T . Please.
Val's Best Dialogue:
K.I.T.T.: I am incapable of happiness. But I will say that it is logical that you are here.
Mike Traceur: Yeah, I know what you mean. (That's great guys, because the rest of America has no friggin' idea what you two are talking about.)
Why You Should See This Movie: Because this may be the last time you hear Val Kilmer's name before they it etch it onto his tombstone.
Why You Shouldn't See This Movie: Because there are several other things that take up two hours of your life that would be a much more pleasant experience, like a voluntary root canal or un-anesthetized colonoscopy.
So here we are in 2008, and Val's getting ready to turn the big 5-0. The “Iceman” is more “Iceberg”, Chris Knight is probably a settled down family man with two kids and a dog, and the Knight Rider pilot is hopefully locked in that big-ass warehouse that they hid the “The Ark of the Covenant” in at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” But Val's movies did teach us many important life lessons that have touched the hearts and lives of each and every one of us:
In “Real Genius” we learned that all work and no play make Jack a pain in the ass. In “The Doors” we learned moderation, moderation and moderation. “Tombstone” taught us to always get your friends back, whether they are right or wrong. “Willow” enlightened the world to the plight of the small person and the fact that midgets are, and always will be, creepy. “At First Sight” drives home the fact that Syrup of Ipecac is not the only thing one can use to induce vomiting. “The Saint” gives us hope that “Chutes-and-Ladders” might possibly be the roadmap to world peace. And finally, if you only glean one thing from this article, Val taught us the pinnacle of all life lessons in “Top Gun”—never, EVER leave your wingman.
It is here that I could leave well enough alone and not catalog his cinematic disgraces any further, but that would mean not getting to use the greatest headline I have ever woken up and scribbled down in my bedside notebook. So without further ado, I present to you: “Val-Treks—The Life & Times of a Hollywood Cold Sore,” for my readers who either love this article or have too short of an attention span to read anything but a quick sidebar.