Each year, nearly 800,000 people flock to our shores, leaving behind lives plagued by tyranny, oppression and bad hygiene to pursue the “American Dream.” But what that cliché actually means these days is anyone’s guess, as we now live in a land of extremes — a world of black and white where a yawning gap exists between the rich and poor and the worst of things are just as easily found as the best, and, often, in larger supply.

In the face of that, what’s an immigrant to do? Whether reaching our shores and borders legally or through more daring means, the average immigrant is going to need some type of how-to guide for survival since the U.S. Citizenship Test will only prove useful in a junior high social studies class. Luckily, everyone from the United States Government to the New York Times has thrown their hats into the ring, each publishing their own take on the Idiot’s Guide to Immigration. But after detailing how to open a bank account, find a church, get a job and assimilate, these manuals wish the reader Godspeed without touching on the one topic that touches the most lives: Middle America.

See, the United States isn’t made up of 10 million New York Cities, where a thousand cultures live, breathe, struggle and thrive as one. America is Seymour, Indiana. America is Wheeling, West Virginia. America is the Chevy Silverado emerging from amber waves of grain while John Mellencamp tugs on heartstrings in the background. And in this America, we are more than friendly yet obtuse rubes. That's right — contrary to popular opinion and the beliefs of dubious politicians, we're complex people that are just itching to punch you in the mouth with knowledge and opinion.

10 TIPS TO UNDERSTANDING MIDDLE AMERICA

1) Avoid conversations on international topics

Geography: Unless you used to live near Talladega, Bristol or Wrigley Field, don’t tell us where you’re from. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that anything beyond the continental United States may as well be that area on old maps warning sailors that “here be dragons.”

Example: “Where ya from?” “The Sudan.” “China, eh? Well I like the C5 combo down at the Golden Dragon.”

Geopolitical issues: Who is Mugabe and why would we want to talk about Hugo Chavez? His Colombian coffee commercials suck. Unless you want to discuss our misinformed views on Iraq and terrorism, we can’t be bothered.

Religion: From Sunday Schools and Bible studies to retreats and Walks to Emmaus, no one goes to church more than we do. Sadly, no is more ill informed. About half of us think Sodom and Gomorrah were married, so don’t expect us to know or understand your religion, what with the Shivas, the yogas and the 72 virgins and all. But hey - if you don’t say anything, we won’t say anything (or call Homeland Security).

2) References to international politicians is fruitless

We know three politicians outside our borders — Vladimir Putin (Bush saw into his soul), Kim Jong Il (porn addict introduced to us by South Park) and Tony Blair. It remains to be seen whether word has leaked to the masses that he hasn't been the UK's Prime Minister in more than a year.

Please note that our interest in world figures could be piqued if a member of the media would take a break from Britney-watching to point out that Nicolas Sarkozy, President of France, has a wife who looks like she could suck a golf ball through 20 feet of garden hose.

3) Sports

We are a sports-mad society but we can’t be bothered with your supposed “beautiful game.” Soccer is a sport for pre-schoolers, women and flopping nancies who re-hydrate with Capri Sun - a sorry lady drink with a straw and no electrolytes. To add insult to un-athletic injury, the game doesn’t allow the use of hands. What could be more un-American than that? It’s no wonder the rest of the world is in dire straits. If it weren’t so full of fruits and appeasers that tolerate this un-masculine mess, we wouldn’t be at Threat Level Orange. Soccer. Pfft.

4) Coffee worship

Our obsession can be placed at the feet of the English, whose oppression prevented us from embracing tea. But still - what’s not to love? Coffee offers:

Class — Sure, it goes down as easy as a pack of liquid Winston’s but persevering is the American way. By doing so, we get to strut around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and a Starbucks cup, thus confirming our status as clownish faux sophisticates willing to drop a gallon of gas on an obnoxiously-named, flavored drink. “Where’s that from?” “McDonald’s.” “Chump.”

The High — Courtney Love once said cocaine was like really evil coffee. Hyperactivity, heart palpitations, annoyingly perky attitude. That sounds about right. But unlike blow, five cups of Jamaican Blue Mountain Kona Surprise won't cost you your job or a spin in the joint. In fact, you might get promoted. The world needs more self-motivated go-getters.

5) Ignorant Questions & Remarks

Sadly, we assume that your non-American status means you are only capable of fixing us food, mowing our grass or grossly benefiting from our struggles. For those that do not appear to provide this function, we try to identify with you.

Asian - “I bet you can whip up a mean fried rice! Bring it to the pitch-in!” (We love a good pitch-in)

Hispanic - “HO-LA! That’s Mexican for Hello. Do y'all do mulch?”

Middle Eastern — “I bet you get paid every time I get gas.”

African - “I saw a marathon one time. Were you in that?”

6) Speaking “American”

“You’re in America; speak American!” You will hear this at least once. We speak with staccato, rapid-fire candor. Sentences, if they can be called that, are a sad mixture of sarcasm, mixed metaphors, double entendres and frustration. And though we barely know what we’re saying, we are resolute in the belief that you need to figure it out before you can be permitted to assimilate.

7) Burgers and Oprah

Burgers, like Oprah, are a meaty, multifaceted phenomenon. Why you haven’t put away the tortillas and pitas to join in this revolution is beyond us, and, quite honestly, we’re a little threatened by it.

8) Ritual Greetings

We do not hug or kiss across genders and certainly not when being introduced for the first time. If you want that, you'd better move to San Francisco with the rest of your kind. To greet properly, stick to the handshake. Slow, non-threatening movements are required here, as is a firm grip. If you noodle-wrist it, you may as well make out with me. It's just as offensive.

9) International Travel

Who needs a passport when you have the World Showcase at Epcot Center? Though you can get intercontinental in Orlando for $80, rich folks like taking trips to Canada — a land of pot-smoking clowns with no army ways, and Cancun — home of Senor Frog’s and a burrito at Chi-Chi's. They've seen it all and have the shot glass to prove it. Highfalutin bastards.

10) The Ubiquitous Oversized Pick-up Truck

From furniture found on the roadside to fresh wood from Home Depot to the local little league team, everyone has something that needs haulin.' So it's no surprise that the pick-up truck is a vital cog in the flow of Midwestern life. And the bigger the truck, the better. Save the Chevy S-10s and Ford Rangers for the soccer-loving pansies on the coast. In the Midwest, we're like a rock and built Ford tough. Whether in serious disrepair or fresh off the line, our trucks feature extended cabs, 4+ wheels, Yosemite Sam mudflaps, American flags and, fake bullet holes. Plus, nearly every one of us knows someone with a pick-up truck and can summon one for use in no less than 45 minutes.

At least once per month, you will encounter oversized John Deere combines/tractors/equipment on country roads. Take caution.

If these 10 tips fail to give you a good grasp on the nature of your new home, grab a bag of cough drops and head to the nearest Wal-Mart to watch us in action. Within 35 to 45 minutes, you will be well versed in ways to survive and thrive in Middle America.