I flipped out when I turned 25. “I’m a quarter-century old," I hyperventilated. “A third of the way to being dead!” And that’s before my face betrayed me by wrinkling up while continuing to sprout pimples, a phenomenon that makes about as much sense as a palm tree growing snowballs.

But that was externally. Internally, the transition from youth to adulthood was much more gradual and began immediately after I entered the workforce. You know that time—the time when you remain young at heart but become old in energy level. “I used to not even start getting ready for parties until 10 back when I was in college; today I'm lucky if I'm still awake at 10.”

Now despite what advertisers would have you believe, there IS a free and effective way to fight this external/internal aging epidemic: continue reverting back to those quirky but harmless behaviors which have always pleased you most. They are what make being considered a ‘grown-up’ amusing instead of terrifying.

So when you find yourself doing childish things like playing MASH on the back of your placemat or filling in the bubble letters (abdegopqABDOPQR) on a meeting agenda, don’t try to reconcile the dichotomy—just track it. Then send it to us.

Persistent Immaturity

• Practicing my signature
• Kicking the predandelions
• Pushing in the button lids
• Drawing in car dust
• Doubling up in the revolving doors
• Poking at bruises (both mine & others)
• Eating the burger pickles separately
• Blowing the wrapper and popping the straw
• Randomly rediscovering the joy of spit bubbles
• Wiping my hands on my jeans and nose on my sleeve
• Touching or eating something I was just told is very hot
• Not making sure the stall has toilet paper before I use it
• Mentally regressing when lights dim in a meeting or auditorium
• Questioning why the School for the Blind has a prettier campus than the School for the Deaf
• Eating DQ Fun Cones from the bottom, up (soggy grid + suction = magic)
• Writing in equations (see above)
• Wishing my last name was Button
• Trying to catch the mystery white floaties
• Wanting what other people ordered
• Eating too many sweets at once
• Gravitating to other Tauruses
• Getting stressed about Plinko
• Avoiding confrontation
• Requesting the Kids Menu
• Sitting at the Kids Table
• Cheating at Solitaire
• Tying at Tic-Tac-Toe
• Losing at the Cracker Barrell peg game
• Buying mittens instead of functional gloves
• Thinking the Long John Silver’s Chicken Plank Basket is a good idea
• Covering my face or leaving the room when someone embarrasses himself on TV
• Related: generally feeling more empathy for fictional characters than real people
• Deleting unheard voicemails because I feel too guilty I haven't listened to or answered them
• Being creeped out by the long-nosed, black-haired child-snatching villain in Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang (“Lollipops! And all free todaaay.”)
• Incorporating 'true story,' 'if I had a nickel,' 'it's all fun and games,' and 'your mom' jokes into all conversations

Premature Aging

• Incapable of staying awake past midnight or sleeping past 7:30
• Bladder shrinks when I sleep
• Double-digit number of gray hairs
• Metabolism is already in its death throes
• Joints pop when I'm not even moving
• Most new music gives me a nervous twitch - Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and Plain White T’s “Delilah” border on aneurysm
• Had to name a beneficiary for my insurance and 401K, even though I could have sworn death doesn't apply to me just yet
• Natural light has become a major irritant without proper UV protective eyewear
• Despite my insistence it would never happen, my taste buds changed
• Finally conceded my mom is always right
• My parents no longer pay for 'the necessities' (i.e. undergarments, work clothes, co-pays, etc.)
• As a direct result, now have the one thing I always made fun of moms for having: a Kohl's charge card—God bless Daisy Fuentes & Apt. 9
• Quit deluding myself that disposable income is possible while I am living alone—after all the grown-up bills, what's leftover is on par with the completely unearned biweekly allowance I had back in high school
• The following work-related words drive me closer and closer to jabbing my eye out with a UniBall Precise Roller: myriad, consortium, continuum, synergy and monies
• Mere thought of tomato or citrus based products makes me want to shotgun Maalox
• Started keeping track of birthdays
• Talk to myself…a lot
• Own a lint roller
• Can’t function without a morning cup of coffee
• Love cardigans and checkers harder than ever
• Wear house slippers—not teeniebopper faux-fur animal slippers, but actual men's flannel-lined corduroy slippers
• For the first time since being forced to wear a school uniform, I own a pair of navy blue khakis (in my defense, they are neither pleated nor tapered). Related: superlowrise jeans have become uncomfortable and quasi-scandalous
• Leave before during (or even before) the encore
• Already a technocenturion. Flickr? Digg? Del.i.cious (wtf)? And Linux: isn’t that a feral cat?
• Thank cashiers and bouncers profusely for carding me

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