It's difficult to find people who regularly practice normality. Meeting people at a bar can sometimes end with a drunken mistake of spit-swapping with an unbalanced man who, earlier in the night, gave you the finger-gun introduction right after spilling his Amstel into your carefully bound cleavage.

To cure the ailment of my recent break-up, I decided to forego the bar scene and instead torture/amuse myself with attempting online dating: the 21st century's way of window shopping with a $20 cover charge. And why not? The commercials seem so wonderfully enticing. So with the phrase “it's free to look” placed at the forefront of my excuses, I began to peruse my options for men between the ages of 30-38 within five miles of my zip code.

I generally have to shower and throw on a pair of red stilettos to go mock people—who knew that all this time all I had to do was throw on sweatpants, buy a 6-pack of Miller Lite and log on? I searched, I laughed, I pointed and laughed. I even cried a little. Of course there were good-looking gentlemen who caught my eye, which drew me in to want to get to know them more. In cyber world, this means “reading the profile.”

This is where it gets interesting.

Gentlemen (and let's face it, ladies), we need to talk. When I'm sifting through miles of photos online, I'm basing my initial feelings for you on your photo selection and, thus, looks (the phrase “looks aren't everything” predates internet, and with good reason). It's a taste test, sort of like pulling out my rice cakes to start with the one that has the most parmesan.

When you're putting together your online profile, you are for all intents and purposes dropping the proverbial ‘trou for all to see—there is no “first date, third beer” rejection; the rejection can now be immediate without even meeting. Knowing that, here are a few tips to keep in mind so your audience stays interested:

Verbal Skills

I'm not looking for Hemingway, but I am interested in someone who can form a proper sentence. I understand email and texting has brought out a certain laziness in people, causing their online interactions to be a little more, to put it nicely, concise. But please know when it's appropriate to “LOL” or “ttyl” or I'll brb, and not actual brb.

Wanna-be Dad

Let's step back to look at guys who pose with nieces or nephews: you pictured holding tightly onto your non-offspring screams “desperation.” I dated a guy once who would hold my godson and then stare at me with this “look how cute I look as a potential dad.” It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now. Unless it's your DNA in human form, keep it to pictures of the group family photos.

Be Realistic

When you're putting up a picture of yourself, show the real you. If your receding hairline is an issue, don't crop the photo to cut off the top of your head. It reminds me of the scene in “I'm Gonna Get You Sucka” when the girl¸ having just brought home a perfectly fine male specimen, starts popping off her wig, her colored contacts, and then her right leg. If you're intending on courting, don't show up to the first date looking completely different than my initial inquiry. Be you. It could work.

Shirtless And/Or Bathing Suit Pictures

Most of you agree with me—these pictures are the dorky kid in school screaming for an atomic wedgie. The road to love shouldn't start by showing what your abs look like, and there would be something perversely shallow about anyone who did choose you for muscles. You have to have something else going for you; leave your stomach to the imagination.

Self-Portraits

Self-portrait spill, clean-up request Aisle 9! Self-portraits are becoming ubiquitous and inescapably annoying. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to think of pictures as moments of expression or committing memories to your digital stockpile—not a vehicle for narcissistic bathroom-mirror behavior. I'm not interested in advertised vanity, so please stick to action shots or basic photos of you a bit more in the moment.

Flattery

Flirting with the Matrix does not advance you to a potential suitor. I understand I should be taking the line “maybe you will be the one” in a purely subjective manner, but I have too sensitive a gag reflex. I want to know about you and what your interests are, not lines from your Cliché of the Day calendar.

Flaunting

If your braggart side starts pushing through and String Theory puddles all over your profile, then we have issues. I respect your love for the space-time continuum, but when you detail it in your profile, I'm clicking the “back” button. There's nothing worse than the “show up and throw up” method. Subtlety creates intrigue, and intrigue is your best friend online.

You, Me & 82 BFFs

No one, I mean NO ONE, has this many best friends. Having your picture taken with this many people will indicate your need to appear as if you have more friends than you actually do, or illustrate you harbor no close relationships with anyone, and therefore lack the ability to hold a conversation or commit with positive intentions for anything long term.

K.I.S.S.

The marketing guideline “Keep It Simple Stupid” is not referred to enough. There's a certain amount of flaw I prefer to find out through the natural order of dating, and you should not leave me to my own ability to decipher those flaws before we even go for our first drink. Avoid telling me your life story, including your past relationships.

I know it's difficult to put yourself out there, but please keep in mind that that's exactly what you're doing. By creating an online profile, you're creating yourself a paper trail of potential embarrassment, so your consciousness should not be lacking. Keep in mind there are people who really will be reading your information and judging you, so pair this advice with spell check before posting anything. Or just get one of your 82 BFFs to help.