My first unaided pull-up was by accident: it was during the semester I spent on women's crew, when I dropped 40 pounds in three months and discovered I had more upper body strength than sense when I was casually dangling from a door frame then automatically kept lifting myself until my head was to the ceiling. I startled both myself and the friend with whom I was chatting, and my immediate thought was: "Why the f--- couldn't I ever do that during Presidential Physical Fitness?"

The Tests

My gym teacher had two busted knees, a lanyard whistle, matching windbreaker set and penchant for playing shameful amounts of favorites. One time after I tied for girls' first on our obstacle course run, she announced to the whole class she was going to instead have the final showdown be between Ashley and Maggie, her treasured gymnasts. I silently fumed at that, not just because it was completely unfair, but because being quick was my only gig. Obstacle courses, crab soccer, dodgeball—these things I could do; be a popular, pretty gymnast capable of pull-ups, I could not.

Those of us who knew our physical limitations dreaded the annual "President's Challenge" that determined whether we got the coveted Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Despite my memory's insistence otherwise, this Challenge never included rope climb—it has only ever consisted of the following five tests:

1. Curl-Ups: This tests your abdominal strength, endurance and ability to clench in excess gas while your partner is holding your feet.
2. Shuttle Run: This tests your speed and ability to carefully transport two chalkboard erasers across a 30-foot distance, one at a time—this, like geometry, proves a truly indispensable skill later in life.
3. V-Sit: This tests your flexibility and ability to stretch forward with interlocked thumbs while your fat has-been gym teacher mocks an extra inch or two out of you.
4. Endurance Run/Walk: This tests your heart and lung endurance with any combination of forward momentum (run, walk, skip, gallop, whatever). Requirement for each age is 1/4 mile for 6-7, 1/2 mile for 8-9, 1 mile for 10-17. Average time for all ages improved after the test was modified to include a Ritalin at the finish line.
5. Pull-Ups or Flexed Arm Hang: This tests your upper body strength, endurance and threshold for public humiliation. Few times as a child do we feel as impotent as when we're dangling from that wretched metal bar while our coed classmates look up at us first expectantly, then pityingly. And as you hang there after having tried (but failed) to take advantage of the upward momentum of being lifted onto the bar by your spotter, you have to wonder: "What sicko dreamed this up?"

The Well-Meaning Sadomasochists

This particular form of childhood torture was invented in 1956 by the President's Council on Youth Fitness as one of President Eisenhower's initiatives to get American children up to physical standards already being far exceeded by countries elsewhere, and that was before juvenile diabetes became a major health concern.

The first Presidential Physical Fitness Award was given in 1966. While testing standards have remained the same, at some point the organization expanded its award patch program so everyone could feel like a winner, even the 200-pound tots on Maury Povich incapable of walking much further than the stage.

• Gold (original patch): The Presidential—for gymnasts and circus folk
• Silver: The National—for kids at or above the 50th percentile on all events
• Rust: The Participant—for kids who showed up to class

You can buy any one of these prestigious patches for $1.50 from www.presidentschallenge.org or even vintage ones from eBay so no one will ever suspect you were once that fat kid on Maury.

Residential Physical Fitness

If you want to get a patch the legit way, the program expanded in 2003 to encourage and reward physical fitness for those of us below and above school-age.

For children, it's 60 minutes of activity per day. For adults, it's 30 minutes of moving around (this includes stuff like household chores) five days a week, for six weeks in a row then mailing them your "Activity Log."

Seeing as how the bar is set so incredibly low for both, anyone not in a vegetative should be able to clear it just by being alive. Even gym teachers.